Welp...herpes.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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