sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
