I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
