Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
