Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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