Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
