Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
