Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
