I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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