He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize