I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
