she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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