i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
