Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
