my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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