saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
