1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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