Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize