Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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