it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize