Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Bring me that man meat
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
