At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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