guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
