i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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