she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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