I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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