are you still at the devil's house?
someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
