i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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