so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
