Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
