have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
