I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize