Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
