Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
