What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize