is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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