erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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