Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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