i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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