fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
