My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
What drink are we having for lunch?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
