The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
