i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
