Pappa wants mamma naked
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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