I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
