eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
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