my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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