please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
