I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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