i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
