College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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