I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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