Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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