I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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