You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
