last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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