It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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