We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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