Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
