She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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