I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
