i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
