Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
