I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize