you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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