i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
