hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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