I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
