I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
