One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
